the unsteady

In honor of International Women's Day

2012-03-05T05:52:00.007-05:00

International Women's Day is this Thursday, March 8th. In honor of that, this week's posts will reflect that focus. And I may even post more than once a day.

What a perfect time to focus on Women, since people like Santorum (what's really scary is he's trying to run for president) and Limbaugh are virtually launching a war on women and their rights and freedoms at this time, all while perpetuating negative stereotypes and just generally missing the point all together (Sandra Fluke was speaking on behalf of a friend for whom insurance covered birth control would have helped prevent painful ovarian cysts. She was not asking to be paid to have sex, though Rush did ask her to tape it. Because he is an asshole).

The latest focus on the political front on the issues of abortion and birth control and women in the military have made it so incredibly obvious that our battle for equality is not won. Not even by a long-shot.

Don't sit back and think this doesn't matter. This matters. The women and men who fought so hard for us to have the right to vote, to not been viewed as property (legally, it still happens socially), to have better pay and benefits (still not equal to men), to have any political or social voice at all, did not do so so that we could sit back and watch our entire gender be criticized and manipulated in ways that men never are on the political front.

Source: stfuconservatives.net via Rebecca on Pinterest

And, my religious friends and readers, keep in mind - if anyone is using religion as a means of control, manipulation, or for political purposes - you should not trust them or any point they are trying to make. (If you don't believe in abortion, birth control, or women in the military, then don't have one, use it, or be one, but don't think others shouldn't have those options based on your belief system). They are using your faith against you, in the hopes that you will succumb. Don't. Jesus is a feminist too. (I'll get into that more in another post).

"When it comes to women, they don’t get rights. They get restrictions… I have five daughters and eight granddaughters, and the one thing I worry about more than anything else is their health. I like to see their happy faces. I like to see them feeling good… So I want them to have doctors making decisions, not some employer who has a self-righteous moral view that he wants to impose on my daughter, my granddaughter, my wife. Nuh uh. On our side of the aisle, we believe that women are capable of making their own healthcare decisions."
—
Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ), is a man who trusts women. Lautenberg made these comments at today’s hearing on the Blunt Amendment. (via menwhotrustwomen)

Source: stfuconservatives.net via Rebecca on Pinterest

Sen. Judy Eason McIntyre of Tulsa, Oklahoma held up a sign at a protest Tuesday... The Senator was at the capitol to protest anti-abortion legislation in the state.

Next up, next post - What feminism really means, who can be a feminist, and a little about the first feminist I ever met - my father.

Week 16

2012-03-04T08:58:00.005-05:00

The due date was changed to August 18th, so this is

Week 16:

Total weight gain/loss: My Dr, told me this time, so I'll tell you: +6lbs, which is right on track for how far along I am. It kind of surprised me though, because it feels like so much more when I look at my stomach sometimes.

Maternity clothes: I totally ranted about maternity pants on facebook this week. Hate. The thing is, every time I go in to a store I convince myself I have plenty of clothes and don't need to buy anything right now. Then I come home and lament over how little clothes I have. What?

Sleep: I feel "back to normal" with this for now.

Best moment of the week: Hearing the heartbeat at the doctor appointment. And the fact that they did not even ask me for money. If you read my Modern Parent piece a few weeks ago, you know what I mean.

Movement: Not that I can feel, definitely looking forward to it though. (still true!) Should be coming in a couple of weeks!

Food Cravings: I definitely spent an hour of my Friday obsessing about eating a Milky Way and arguing with myself about how I was not going to stop what I was doing to walk to the store and get a Milky Way. Until I did stop what I was doing to walk to the store to get a Milky Way. And it was so worth it.

Gender: Will find out March 20th, but won't reveal it till that weekend.

Labor signs: No! (And please no, for many more months!)

Belly Button in or out: Mine is so in I would be shocked if it ever went out! (still true)

What I miss: It is still alcohol. I don't know what to tell you. It is what it is, right?

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out the gender - I do think it will make it easier to imagine this little person. Also, kind of scary because it will be so so real after that.

Weekly Wisdom: If you want a Milky Way, you should just go get a Milky Way.

Milestones: I am getting more comfortable with my body changes, even though it can still be overwhelming at times. I don't remember this at all the first time around. I can only attribute it to the surprise aspect of this pregnancy, along with the fact that I know it can be harder to lose the weight the second time around, and I already had issues with my weight before, so it's not like I was super happy with my body in the first place. I know, I know, it's housing and growing a person right now, but I mean, honestly, that doesn't change my feelings about the whole thing.

Now, I'm going to go buy and eat a Milky Way because, you know - fuck it.

how to have an identity crisis that's not an identity crisis

2012-03-02T13:23:00.005-05:00

entering the world of blogging is kind of like entering high school. you have this great opportunity (and responsibility) to become whoever you want to be. and just like high school, it can be a little daunting. i mean, have you seen how many blogs and blogging communities are out there? how do you know which one you really fit into? and more importantly, which ones do you want to fit into? who do you want to be? just how long do you have to "fake it till you make it"?

i started blogging strictly to practice writing, to get some things out of my head. i liked the idea that someone may read what i wrote, but it was not really overly important to me to get feedback.

then i started a poetry blog, mainly to keep all my poetry in one place, paper-free. again, i liked the idea that someone could read what i wrote, but it was of little real importance to me. i needed to write. i needed to post. that was all. i was lost in my words, my art, and i loved it. it was enough. but i did have a few readers. and that interaction moved me in a new way. i mean, someone read what i wrote and connected to it and thought it meant something. that's powerful. it's what any writer hopes for.

so then i started blogging hoping for audience, community, and response. and then i re-started blogging for an audience, community, and response.

(perhaps four blogs count for four years of blogging high school?)

(this is me, after four years of regular high school, just because, don't you think this post needed a pic?)

but it's been really hard once i started desiring an audience. because unlike the "writing" blogs, these required something more reader-friendly and even though i thought i knew at first, i realized that i really had no idea what i was blogging about or for. what was i trying to be? who did i want to read and comment on the blog? (comments are a big deal to bloggers, by the way). so, where do i want to fit? what is my blog even about? who is my audience?

those have been really hard questions for me. i'm terrible at categories. (not scattergories, i'm pretty good at that). i'm terrible at boxing things. and blogging kind of boxes you. i mean, sure, it's your blog and you can do whatever you want, but people kind of want to know what they are coming to your blog for. unless you are only writing for your mama who will read anything you post, because she's your mama. but i'm at the place where i want people to read me and respond to me. not just my mama (and alicia, who really does faithfully comment - thanks lady). i am longing for more interaction out there. beyond the people i know, who may read this and politely try to comment in an effort to make me feel better. it's got to go farther than that. i need it to. it's almost painful at times. maybe because i've spent a lot of time writing in a solitary way and now i am reaching out and want someone to grab my words and come along with me.

maybe also because blogging can be a gigantic catapult. it can literally build your internet persona. and your internet persona can get you writing gigs. and isn't that what i've always wanted? writing gigs? hello - yes! i want to be creating for a living. that is and always has been my ultimate goal. everything else is just moonlighting.

so, then the question is - how to be true to yourself, authentic, somewhat transparent, artistic, engaging, and kind of boxy? omg. how do i do this without losing the love of the art? the medium i cherish so much? is it really possible to incorporate a business-like mindset and get anywhere without compromising the most important parts? am i the only one who finds this excruciatingly difficult? why is it so hard?

and still, the question remains, what kind of blog is this? well, it's like this - i want to write about my life, but i don't want to be a mommy or lifestyle blogger. i want to be serious, but not all the time. i want to write artistically, but i want it to be consumable. i want to write about politics, but not just politics. i even want to write about music/books/pop culture sometimes. i don't necessarily want to just say "my blog is about everything" because, i just don't think that's good enough. it's too vague. most blogs cover a variety of topics and themes, but have something uniting them all, tying it all together, drawing in their audience who comes there just for what they offer. i want to appeal to everyone. (except assholes, they can stay away). but no one appeals to everyone. i mean, some people are just not going to care. and some people are going to categorize you, even if you don't think you fit into a certain category. it really is just like high school.

do you know who i was in high school? i was a floater. i leaned a little more heavily towards one group, but overall just floated around. see, i've never been good at boxy. i would say i had a lot of friends, i could fit a lot of places, if i wanted to. (high school friends, do you think this is accurate? it's so weird to talk about yourself like that). but i chose lots of times to break off from any given group and wander to another. i am, and probably always will, be most comfortable as an independent entity. not tied too closely to any one category or group.

but i suppose this blog's description says what this blog is about already - finding footing in an ever-shifting landscape, making my way through the unsteady that is life. i suppose that can encompass anything and everything. and i suppose that's just what this blog will do. my category is no category. as usual. that will just have to work. or not, and i will get over it. (probably). or figure something else out (but probably not). sometimes, you just have to admit that you are what you are. boxes be damned.

*sigh*

and that, ladies and gentleman, is how you have an identity crisis online and find out that you aren't having an identity crisis at all, and you basically just talked yourself into a circle (but not a box), and you decide to post it anyway because you spent a lot of time on it.

you're welcome.

sometimes they just need company

2012-02-29T08:28:00.006-05:00

last week, i started talking about the quiet. and i've been doing better with finding the quiet, stealing the quiet. but that has led, as it often does, to the sadness, to an encroaching darkness, to a worrisome anxiousness.

i think this is why sometimes, we let ourselves be consumed with the busyness. because then we don't have to venture into the sadness, or the darkness, or the anxiousness. and i think sometimes, that's fine.

and sometimes, we must feel those things. those things are our things, they live inside us, they are literally part of us. we have to feel them sometimes. we have to sit with them even. let them be.

i truly believe that the only way to ever really know light is to have spent time in darkness. and so i do. and while there is a sadness there, it is not a sadness to be sad about. sadness, melancholy, reflection, all those things are okay. particularly if you are viewing them by way of someone's artistic medium. in fact, i argue that those things should be expected at times, in artistic mediums.

so, if i write about sadness or darkness or worry or a sort of melancholy reflection, it's okay. you don't have to worry about me or cheer me up. i'd rather you delve into it a little with me. that's what a lot of us want, i think. not always, but sometimes. sometimes it's nice to just have someone delve into a darkness, a sadness with you. a communion of sorts. in a stillness, just being with someone in their thoughts and emotions creates an intimacy. just letting someone feel, and feeling with them, is healing in and of itself. we don't have to rescue people. people can usually rescue themselves. sometimes they just need company.

is this any brighter?

2012-02-29T07:47:00.004-05:00

oh man, i promised you something brighter today, didn't i?

okay, here's something:

Source: thebloggess.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: quickmeme.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

and, since it seems like it's going to be a rainy day today -

Source: randompicdumps.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

that should suffice.

sometimes you can't go home

2012-02-28T08:53:00.005-05:00

sometimes, i try to go home

but i don't live there any more

none of us live there anymore.

and it's been years.

and it shouldn't still be so sad, should it?

maybe it should.

maybe it is.

maybe it's just one of those things.

____________

i apologize for the melancholy, i'll give you something brighter tomorrow.

what is the quiet?

2012-02-25T01:00:00.012-05:00

what is quiet?

i said i would be stealing it, so what is it?

the quiet is sometimes just that - lack of sound. but in the lack of sound, there must be something else - a stream of sunlight through the blinds, a breeze, a broken building in a field, a broken bottle in a parking lot, a dish in the sink, a tube of lip gloss - anything that begs your focus. or there must be the taste of something, the texture of something, the thought of something. a memory, a fantasy, a hope, a longing, a question, something make-believe. it must be something that you fall into, that carries you somewhere you weren't before. quietly. in a sort of solitude. it may even be your own skin. your own face.

sometimes it is a person that quiets me. it is their presence that stills me. that is both a solitude and a joining. an intimacy.

sometimes it is a place that settles me: a coffee shop, a cemetery, a tiny music venue, a park. makeshift sanctuaries.

sometimes it is the written word, read with deliberate slowness, letting each syllable and sentence lay upon me and mean something and work on me.

sometimes it is music. music that feels. music that opens. it may not be quiet music, but it must quiet me. maybe with it's loudness it allows me to be quiet. something like that.

remember that the first part of quieting is a stilling. a stillness. being still, or being made still by whatever means i find that work.

the next thing about the quiet is that after it stills me, it breaks me open and ignites me. you must have the quiet first, for the rest to matter, for the rest to work the right way. quiet. then broken. then on fire.

in the quiet, in the brokenness, amidst the fire - i breathe it seems, for the first time. you never realize how much you weren't breathing until you catch that first free breath, that first still breath, that first broken, fiery breath. it is the painful neediness of it. it reminds you you are alive and what that means and it reminds you how you've been wasting your time on anything that doesn't make you feel this way.

oh my god, everything feels better, everything is beautiful, everything is fine. i connect, i reach a high - riding this out pour of everything that otherwise spins inside, that otherwise is a silent vortex within me, restless to be let go.

everything is just so alive for just a little time. everything is mine. everything is exactly perfect as it is. everything is heightened - sound, touch, thought, emotion, everything...sometimes it is too much at once. but i just want it to stay. i haven't found a way to get it to stay. maybe it can't.

and in time (sometimes a lot of time, sometimes the briefest flash of time), the quiet slides, gives way again to noise, to busyness. something pretending to be real intrudes (it can't actually be real, if this quiet broken fire is real, can it?), and i gather myself back up, piece myself back in place. and brace myself, knowing that what happens next is just the in-between. i try to stay disconnected from the in-between in an effort to protect everything i just witnessed, to keep it sacred. to keep it untainted by the noise. two selves now. the outside self. and the one itching to get back to the quiet, all the time. hoping it won't forget the way, it won't get lost, get too heavy, in the busyness. knowing this means sacrifices must be made. not completely sure of what they are. not completely sure of how to make them. not completely sure of what will happen if i do. a little caught.

does anyone else feel this way? does everyone feel this way?

and i scan everything over all the time, fiending for relief, for the quiet - something to still me and break me and set me on fire and let me be. that's all i ever want. and each time i get it, i feel closer to the truth. closer to freedom. and i'm more aware how freedom may mean setting everything on fire. and that's beautiful. and terrifying. and i'm not ready. and how do i do that without hurting someone, like my daughter? how do i incorporate the quiet into the rest of it all? or can i? or is it supposed to be separate? i don't know yet. so the busyness is here. and i let it be. but the quiet calls. always. i just don't want to lose my way.

stealing quiet

2012-02-24T08:09:00.004-05:00

i've been trying to figure out what's stopping me from writing.

i think it's the quiet.

the lack of quiet, i mean.

and not in the way you may think - actual noise invading me.

it's more, the not being still. the not allowing myself to feel. it is the constant movement from one thing to another. the pushing forward. the incessant need to check something off the list. the one thing after the next, always. someone always waiting for my action, my response.

it's too much. it's life. it is what we do here, in the place that i am, but it is too much. it unsettles me, the more i think about it. the constant movement, the constant beck and call we are at, it robs us of all the things we are supposedly working for, working towards. all the things we already have but must push past to get to the next task.

i'm prone to this - to these existential crises. but shouldn't we all be? shouldn't we all be questioning why we are living this way when we really don't have to? why is it so hard to do things differently? why do we feel so trapped here?

or am i the only one?

all my creativity is underneath the busyness, underneath the movement. it is in the quiet, in the stillness. it's not so much writer's block, it's that this writer must stop. and feel what there is to feel. and think what there is to think. otherwise, there's nothing at all to write.

i can't write in the busyness, there is no need to write in the busyness. there is plenty of material out there that was written this way, that can be consumed this way, that's not what i do, that's not what i offer.

so, here's my new plan. to steal quiet. every chance i get.

Week 15

2012-02-18T12:06:00.005-05:00

Week 15

Total weight gain/loss: Still don't know. Not super interested in knowing, honestly. The doctor said my weight gain was "good". Fine with me.

Maternity clothes: Well, thankfully, my dear friend Alicia who just had a baby brought over a lot of her things for me and pretty much all of them work, so YAY! Still struggling with the whole pants thing though, trying to make the hair band thing work, but really, my pants just keep falling down because they need to be so low to not be in the way of my belly. But the maternity pants I have are weird. Looking forward to skirts and summer dresses soon.

Sleep: Not as dead tired as I used to be, but kind of have to "take breaks" throughout the day, like I think I'm running a marathon or something.

Best moment of the week: Probably getting those clothes. I'm not shallow, but clothes do make a big difference in your day to day functioning.

Movement: Not that I can feel, definitely looking forward to it though. (still true!)

Food Cravings: I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING. And then I want sleep.

Gender: Will find out end of March/early April

Labor signs: No! (And please no, for many more months!)

Belly Button in or out: Mine is so in I would be shocked if it ever went out! (still true)

What I miss: ALCOHOL. I started cooking with it - wine in the crockpot for pot roast, vodka sauce for pasta...I'm sorry, but I miiiissss ittttt.

What I'm looking forward to: Being okay with my body changes, if I get there :/ (kind of struggling with that lately)

Weekly Wisdom: I got nothing. I'm too hungry to be wise.

Milestones: I have agreed to the gender reveal party. Mainly so I can eat more cake.
Also, the baby is the size of an orange now, if that's the kind of milestone you wanted to know about

also, side note - you can check out my modern parent article this week for more on baby stuff

what our president has done so far

2012-02-15T07:15:00.001-05:00

let's talk about what our president has done so far. we don't all have to agree on policies and candidates, but we should acknowledge progress and give credit where credit is due. (in fact, this post is more for those who are disillusioned with president obama or ambivalent about the president than those who never supported him in the first place, although i obviously hope those on all sides will read through this).

Source: stfuconservatives.net via Rebecca on Pinterest

this one's going to require you to click some links and do some reading. i've got it set up to where the links will open up in a new page, so you will still have this page open and all the other links at the same time. because i really want you to take your time to go through the information.

this is just the beginning of this conversation! that's why it's short on my personal input and heavy on a lot of good information that others have put a lot of time into.

i'm not trying to convince you of anything so much (right now) as i'm trying to balance out the information you are probably receiving (at least i know i'm receiving) from other media sources.

is it just me, or are some people really good at spreading their opinion like wildfire and manipulating people with fear? i'm so incredibly tired of it. and i could just shake my head and move along, but i've finally realized that that's not okay! we have a lot at stake here and we can't afford to let ourselves, our friends, our family, and our fellow citizens be bombarded with one-sided information without seeking and offering some sort of balance. and having actual conversations. don't be scared! don't be crazy, if you can help it, but don't be scared!

like i've said before, everyone is trying to sell you something, and while that's not always a bad thing, it is something to keep in mind. so take it all with an open mind and a grain of salt and come to your own conclusions with the information you have. (i'm not saying my bias won't show in these posts, because it will, but i still want to encourage people to independently interpret the information presented) and seek more information. and consider your sources by checking their sources, their funding, and their general credibility. i know if you're not "into politics" it can be overwhelming, but just take baby steps at first. everyone can do this. the great thing about it is it forces you to really dig in to what you believe, not just what you've been told to believe and in doing that, you get to know yourself better and you better understand your own priorities and you will gain confidence in talking about them, in standing up for them, and in incorporating them into your own life. it's win-win guys. so let's do this!

from a friend's facebook (you can click the pic to make it clearer)

What the heck has Obama done so far? - click through to find out (sources included)

President Obama's Accomplishments - in depth list, worth reading through

A chart about Bush's Debt Versus Obama's - it speaks for itself

10 facts about the State of the Union - with sources. this is not so much what president obama has done as it is a list of facts about the current state of our nation - good info to look at and think about.

Source: stfuconservatives.net via Rebecca on Pinterest

feelin' any good vibes yet?

this corner of broken

2012-02-13T08:12:00.004-05:00

i had this post saved on an old blog that i never actually launched. for some reason, just wanted to post it today. maybe it's little voice. maybe it's for me, maybe it's for someone else. that's how it goes.

___________________________

I have found God rarely in my rightness. You know, when I am doing things "right". When I am following all the rules and on time and appropriate and all pieced together.

When I am these things, I am much farther from God than I really like to be. I wake in the morning and pray, but it all falls against the walls I have built up around my life. My walls of "right".

It is when I allow myself to fall into this corner of broken that I know God is upon me.

It is in this place that I know what doesn't matter at all. And what does. And because I feel God upon me, it doesn't matter that all the things that don't matter are the things that the whole wide world thinks does matter. When I am crumbled upon my God, I do not need any of these things. I do not need approval from work or family or society in general.

It is in the brokenness that I am reminded that right is not what it seems out here.

There are times I would rather just stay broken every day than be out there in the world, pieced together and pressing on as if I care.

It is this corner of broken that feels more like home than anything out there.

John 15:18-19

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁸ “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. ¹⁹ If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.

John 16:33

New International Version (NIV)

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Source: dreamfuzzin.tumblr.com via Roller on Pinterest

let's go out into the world this week and know that home is somewhere beyond the places we go each day. let's know that we have more, we are more, there is more. let's love what's before us but know, it's only a taste of the goodness that's out there. and the brokenness is a door to more.

happy monday.

the past month + some

2012-02-11T10:32:00.006-05:00

excited about trying out a christmas gift

seemingly unexcited about trying out the webcam on my new laptop

going to see the muppet movie at the mall

natalie's birthday + party

last saturday at the park

and, now on to this (blech):

happy saturday!

it's a blog, not a thesis, right?

2012-02-10T10:26:00.007-05:00

Hey, notice anything? I spruced the blog up a little bit! Yay! I even have a signature now. :) AND, I have several topics in mind to post on!

I think my problem sometimes is I want each post to be so complete. I agonize over not having hours to devote to fully presenting the topic at hand, no matter what it is. What I'm wanting to do is post more frequently, even if the posts are shorter and not a whole entire dissertation (how many people actually read those when I write them anyways?).

I guess I just love to make my point, from all angles, and I hate to think that someone will read one short, non-extensive post and form this opinion and make these assumptions and think I don't know there's more to the topic.

But, I need to just let that go, so I can do what I'm here to do! Write! Post! Share! Express! Keep the thoughts and ideas moving! That means I may post a million times about the same topic, but that's okay. It's a blog, not a thesis, right?

Just for good measure-

upcoming post ideas:

a natalie post (funny things she's saying/doing, things i'm working on with her, etc)
a post about god vs. religion
a post about what obama has done so far
a picture post
a post about the new position at work
a post about why american society makes motherhood suck
a post about having to change natalie's dance studio
a post about concerns with natalie and raising a child with a village (the pros and cons)
a post about giftedness in adults and children
a post about feminism
a post about religion in politics

some of these may turn into modern parent columns as well, but hey, that's cool with you guys, right?

this is how little voice works

2012-02-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

My Modern Parent column this week is about little voice. Little voice is exactly what it sounds like. Sometimes I call it just that - little voice. Sometimes I don't name it at all and just say "I heard...". Sometimes I call it other things probably.

You can think of it as intuition, as God, as my subconscious, or even, my conscience, an inner voice, or anything else you want to think of it as.

I call it little voice because I don't want the point of it to get lost in semantics. It is what you think it is. That's what matters.

Today, I felt lead (another way to talk about little voice) to share a specific Bible verse with a friend. It's rare that I do this, but I moved quickly because I felt like time was of the essence.

This is the verse:
Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

You know, my mother used to have this verse on a yellow sticky note on her bathroom mirror. I used to think it was sad, because I didn't think she was getting the good end of the bargain in her life. She seemed to be waiting indefinitely for the hope and her future (I had specific things in mind I was expecting to see for her). But I don't really know my mother's story. Just like she doesn't really know mine. Just like no one knows yours.

No matter how much we share of ourselves, our inner life - the intensely complex weaving of our thoughts and dreams and hopes and fears and disappointments and conversations with God and even every experience we've ever had is all wrapped up in us and we can tell it a million different times, a million different ways, to a million different people. How it sounds will depend on everything in that moment. The full truth of it is only known inside us. And that full truth is the thing that we should ultimately be most concerned with, not how it looks to everyone or anyone else. The story within us is the one we must live with and must reconcile with. It is the one we must be at peace with, the one we must pay the most attention to, give our best words to. The story of our lives within the combination of our heart and soul and mind is the very thing that will define everything else. It is our control panel. And giving ourselves good words, good thoughts, and good concepts propels us to places of peace and power and perspective.

Source: piccsy.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

This is the exact thing I need to have my heart settled on right now - the belief that in all things, there is hope and a future. The belief that all that I know of as power and goodness and love and grace plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Sometimes, or maybe most of the time, it's easy to feel as if we know what will make our lives prosper and what will bring us harm. But without little voice, we just don't really know, do we? We don't know anything except that the path we're on, even when it's rocky and dark and lonely and scary, it is the exact path that will bring us hope and a future. We can't give up mid-way. We can't start to think that all of the sudden we can predict the future. We can't lose faith. Faith is the good fight. We must keep the faith. We must fight the good fight.

I must keep the faith. I must fight the good fight.

And, I must remember, it is okay to be broken. Broken is almost always where the magic happens.

And that's how little voice works.

new music love = less writer's block

2012-02-08T17:23:00.000-05:00

So, I will be completely honest and let you know that I've been seeing this video on TeenNick every morning after watching Full House with Natalie. But I love it. I had to look up more songs by the artist and definitely think I've found a new music love.

Which is perfect, because pretty much nothing breaks me open like the right music. I can feel the writer's block shedding itself slowly but surely...

Also, bonus

Wasn't sure about this song the first time I heard it, but this video (which is a cover) sold me. Not sure if the original artist's video would have, but love the song regardless, so glad that the video helped, because sometimes they don't, you know?

let's talk about it

2012-02-02T07:54:00.001-05:00

My post this week on Modern Parent is what I would call a soft pro-choice piece. Read it here and see why.

So, I think now is the perfect time to talk about a new aspect of this blog. It's going to get a little political. Not super political. Not abrasively political (hopefully). But it is going to get political. Personally political.

I know a lot of my friends, especially a lot of my girlfriends, don't want to "get into it" when it comes to politics. And I get it. We don't want to argue, we don't want to fight, we don't want to divide up amongst one another. We don't want to weigh down our interactions. We don't want to maybe start expressing our thoughts and opinions about things that we don't know a lot about and feel stupid.

But, friends, we should. Engage in these conversations, that is, not feel stupid. Because I promise you, the more you dig, the more you will see that you are qualified to talk about politics. We all are. The trick is to take your time making your decisions. Be open to new information. Know where you stand and why and how you got there. And if you don't stand anywhere yet, don't be afraid to say that. Take your time getting to where you stand. Be willing to entertain new ideas and figure out why you agree or disagree. We can all do this. We should all do this. It is worth the effort. This is coming from someone who's been right where you are too, not wanting to mess with it because it was just too much.

There's a lot going on out here, in our world. We need to be thinking about it. We need to be talking about it. We need to be researching it and sharing links and thinking critically about our lives and our beliefs and our rights and our freedoms and how it all goes together. And when it calls for it, we need to be moved to action.

And my friends, those of us who are parents really need to get into it.

I've always hesitated to get too political on a regular basis on my blog. One, because I don't feel like I'm an "expert" on any political front. Two, because I don't want to bore people. And Three, because it's kind of scary.

But writing this piece for Modern Parent has inspired me. I actually have a lot to say on this front. What I will write about when I write about politics, policies, etc here will be personally political. It will be my thoughts, my feelings, my research, my analysis. I will link to sources. I want to hear what you think and feel too. We need to take this personally. And if we do that, we need to not take our differences of opinion personally. Just the issues. We need to care, we need to think. We need to take the information in front of us, and we need to dig for more, and we need to discern for ourselves what truth we can glean from that. We need to understand that we are being sold ideas all the time. From our families, our churches, our friends, and of course, the media. And we need to make up our own minds. And we need to support one another in doing that.

I believe if we really take things to heart, we can agree to disagree. Because we can appreciate one another's hearts, and where those hearts are comning from. Because if you know where you are coming from, what you really think about an issue, and where you stand and why you stand there, then you can express it confidently. And when you are confident, you don't have be to defensive and angry (which, keep in mind, is not the same as passionate). And when you are confident in your thought processes, you can keep thinking about your stand, and you can change it if you find more information that leads you in that direction.

We have a lot of opportunity right now. We should not let it slip by.

Here are a few links relative to my Modern Parent piece:

Who's Got The Right To Life? (a previous post of mine about abortion rights)

The Way It Was (Mother Jones)

My Happy Abortion: One Woman's Guilt-Free Story (RH Reality Check)

Catholics for Choice (Not a story, but a whole site devoted to pro-choice Catholics)

Source: girlsgetbusyzine.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Week 12

2012-01-29T14:47:00.000-05:00

Week 12

You are grossly overestimating me if you think I will be able to get both my belly and my face into the same picture. Or that I will even take a picture of both on the same day. But this is what I looked like this week, the week the pregnancy hit 12 weeks.

Also, because this is good standard procedure, here's a pic of the little plum (that is supposedly the size it is right now):

Total weight gain/loss: I have no idea. Will find out Wednesday I suppose, at my appt.

Maternity clothes: Not really. I'm using a few of the tops from last time, doing the hair band over the button for my jeans, and bought some larger/longer than usual tops.

Sleep: Still pretty sleepy. And it's getting awkward. Sleep itself that is, not the fact that I'm sleepy.

Best moment of the week: Taking Natalie to the park and sitting in the sun. Also, pretty much have already agreed on male/female versions of the name. And we both had the same one in mind. Creepy.

Movement: Not that I can feel, definitely looking forward to it though.

Food Cravings: Not specific still. Loving lemonade though. And chocolate (only at certain times). And Arbys has been making me pretty happy (just the roast beef though, not the fries). Really wanted a meat lover's pizza the other day. Sooo good. (Haven't had one of those in a long time!)

Gender: Don't know yet! Family is wanting us to do a gender reveal cake party. I'm not completely sold on the idea yet though.

Labor signs: No! (And please no, for many more months!)

Belly Button in or out: Mine is so in I would be shocked if it ever went out! (still true)

What I miss: Wine and beer. I'm sorry, but it's true. Husband poured a mug of beer the other night and my mouth was literally watering.

What I'm looking forward to: The next appt. Just want to make sure things are going as they should. (yep)

Weekly Wisdom: Eat more often, smaller portions. Feels so much better than waiting for meals, since I don't want a ton at each meal, but I feel sick (maybe blood sugar is dropping?) if I wait to eat only at meals.

Milestones: I look pregnant pretty much all the time now. It throws me off too, sometimes when I look in the mirror. I'm like "Man, my stomach is fat" and then I'm like "Oh yea, I'm pregnant"

what's happening

2012-01-24T15:21:00.000-05:00

My poor, poor, blog. It is so neglected.

My brain is stupid mush lately.

I was going to post another pregnancy post.

And then I was going to do a weekend pictorial.

And then I was going to post a tribute to my sweet (18 year old) "puppy" who passed away.

And then I was probably going to post about a bunch of something elses.

But have done none of the above.

OMG. Writer's (Creator's) block sucks.

I have been pouring the little writing energy I have into my Modern Parent articles, so I can at least link that here.

Otherwise,

I have decided that I need this stitched on my heart:

Source: spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

I have been listening to this:

I have been reading this:

Source: amazon.com via Amelia on Pinterest

I have been eating this:

Source: weheartit.com via Magen on Pinterest

I have been drinking this:

Source: marthastewart.com via Milissa on Pinterest

(Wendy's is THE BEST!)

And, that's all I've got for today.

Tomorrow's another day. :)

i'm not completely against being conventional

2012-01-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

so, i've neglected to do the "official" fb pregnancy post because, well, it just doesn't fit. what fits is this post i wrote a few days ago. but, in the efforts to not lose this pregnancy in the rest of my life, i will be making some pregnancy specific posts, like this one.

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I don't want to be considered a "mommy blogger" and have dreams of a mixed audience (and a blog that is not solely about motherhood, though it does permeate a life - but I blog at Modern Parent about that, so...) but I realize that most of the people I know who read this blog (and that's about the only people reading this right now) are female. Females who love some pregnancy updates. And I mean, to be honest, I love that stuff too, damn it!

So, here we go,

Pregnancy Journal: Week 10

Total weight gain/loss: I have no idea.

Maternity clothes: Um, not yet. Mainly because the ones from my first pregnancy don't fit. Or at least the jeans don't. That means my fattest fat pants don't fit. That is so disgustingly discouraging. I mean, they fit, as in, I pulled them up over my hips, but they didn't do so well with the whole bending/sitting thing that I like to do, you know? Otherwise everything's just weird and I feel fat.

Sleep: I want to sleep all the time. I am so damn sleepy.

Best moment of the week: I made Chicken and Dumplings and Sweet Cornbread from scratch (making things from scratch is um, shall we say, a bit rare for me). Wait, was this supposed to be pregnancy related? Maybe it was. Or maybe I just wanted to make some Chicken and Dumplings. The world may never know.

Movement: Not that I can feel, but I saw it last week on the ultrasound and loved it! So funny to see the little arms and legs moving around!

Food Cravings: Not specific. Kind of digging fruit right now. Like I really want some frozen peaches. And pretty thirsty. Otherwise just want or don't want things randomly. And feel nauseated randomly as well. That's fun.

Gender: Initial thought was boy (which kind of terrifies me), but sometimes now I think girl...I mean really, I have no clue at all. Thought Natalie was a boy and even dreamed it. Totally not a boy.

Labor signs: No! Although my friend just had some, that resulted in a baby. Which I hope mine will. In August. And not before.

Belly Button in or out: Mine is so in I would be shocked if it ever went out!

What I miss: Not being tired and nauseous and pissy. I mean, I can be tired and pissy otherwise, but not to this consistent level. It's annoying me. And probably others as well. Also, not having sore boobs. Sore boobs are the devil.

What I'm looking forward to: The next appt. Just want to make sure things are going as they should.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't eat a lot of sour cream and onion chips. They make you feel gross.

Milestones: The baby is a fetus now (that happened last week actually), so, that's cool.

And, there's the requisite belly pic.

the good, the bad, and the internet

2012-01-12T15:30:00.000-05:00

So, I just posted a new piece of visual poetry on my poetry site and decided to put my name at the bottom of it this time because of the new pinning craze and on the (very) off chance that if it were pinned, I would want the credit. Which made me think of all the other vispo pieces I have posted without my name.

Which makes me think I will need to re-post with my name on them? I mean, right now, that site gets like 3 hits a week, probably by accident, but, I mean, just in case? It's always my personal photos and pieces of my poetry.

I know there's an inherent risk posting anything online, even with a copywrite statement, just because you really have no idea what happens once you release it (which is usually the kind of cool part...)

Kind of not looking forward to editing all of those and re-posting. Just cause. That's a pain.

And I'm totally not doing it today, this first trimester is kicking my ass. I'm so tired and just generally blah. Or blech. Or something like that. (Just a couple weeks left and hopefully I'll get some energy and good vibes back)

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In slightly unrelated news, my twitter feed is part of a church website now. I did warn the pastor though, that my feed may not always be what you want popping up on a church website, but he still wanted to do it, so you know, whatevs. I mean, in all honesty, I'm so bad a twitter, I don't post much at all, but I just know that now that my feed is popping up in a church website, I'll drop an f bomb or something.

I just don't self censor on twitter as much as on fb because people choose to follow, it's not a mutual friendship like fb. And less family is on twitter. Anyways.

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Also slightly unrelated, joined LinkedIn and have no clue what I'm doing with it, but the powers that be at Modern Parent asked me to, so I did. Maybe it will lead me to a paid writing gig that will change and empower my life. That's the dream, right?

________

And, my Modern Parent article this week is Why Diversity In Schools Still Matters. It's a feature and I'm pretty proud of it. If you want, it's easy to comment on the site. Just need your name (can be first name only) and an email address. No registering. No one will email you spam. Of course, now that I type that, I realize that if you are used to commenting on blogs you will know this, but some people aren't, so you know.

Same here on blogger, you don't have to register, you can even be anon and sign your name at the end (or not) if you don't want to mess with the rest.

Comments totally help the writer feel like someone actually read their content. True story.
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End of this random rambling of internet gook.

And just because all posts are better with a picture:

Bobo says hi.

the one where i lament the ways of the world

2012-01-06T15:56:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I find myself just believing in people too much. I find myself trusting people to "do the right thing" in regards to me and don't look out for myself. I let my guard down and trust people who appear to be kind and warm and find that they will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat, no looking back.

And I feel betrayed. Not only by someone I trusted, but by myself. I let myself down. I trusted people who were not to be trusted. I believed the best, gave the benefit of a doubt, and expected to not be let down. Expected people to live up to my standards of how to treat others.

And I should know better. But I've found myself, several times over the past few years, easily tricked by wolves in sheep's clothing.

And I feel confused, not only by how to go about daily interactions in a healthy way without trust, but also about the criticisms placed upon me. I am made to believe that I do not measure up. That I am dropping the ball. That I am not worthy of their best treatment, that I have not earned it.

I am confused because they did not earn my best treatment, but I gave it. I may have missed the mark on a technicality or two along the way, I may have let the less important things fall by the wayside, but I was kind, I was caring, I was genuinely interested in them as people, willing to listen or help at any time.

And that does not matter. What matters is being perfect. Which I am not. What a shame. I couldn't tell you the flaws of these people because I don't count them. I don't write them down, I don't hold them in my heart or even my head. The only thing I hold right now is hurt, mistrust, and a little fear.

How can I be perfect and manage when my best is not enough? What place is there for me in a place where there is no grace?

I understand that a large part of the world works with this calculating coldness. I understand that I am supposed to do or be something that I'm not. I just don't understand why anyone wastes their lives like this.

Even for a livelihood.

They've really got us up against some walls, don't they?

one act of bravery must be met with another

2012-01-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, things don't go as planned.

Who am I kidding?

There are all kinds of times that things don't go as planned.

Sometimes though, you think you know what you are doing with your life. Even with all the twists and turns you've encountered, you think you've just maybe got a handle on it. You think.

Sometimes, you adjust around the life you ended up with and you only, every once in a while, think of the life you imagined.

If nothing else, you are controlling what you can control.

Until those things come out of your control.

Until you look at your pack of birth control pills and realize that you're several days late.

And you tell yourself it's nothing.

But it's something.

And now, even the life you ended up with is not what it was anymore. Now, it is something else entirely. Because even if you made the decision to terminate, it would still be this big, huge decision that would change things. Your sense of security. Your sense of control. Your parenthood.

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Source: ffffound.com via Travis on Pinterest

It's not the baby that slammed me into the wall of darkness (strong baby, eh?) that I found myself in those first few weeks. It was that one of the few things in my life I had managed to control had been stripped from me. There were reasons. Personal, private, intricate reasons as to why I wasn't ready to have another child.

And, it really had nothing to do with the child, so much as it did other things.

But it doesn't matter now. Now, there is a child. I saw it wiggling it's arms and legs a few days ago, heard it's heartbeat.

And that was good, it made me laugh. I can do this. I can be a mother. I am a mother. But I mean, I can be this child's mother.

Everything else, I don't know.

____________________________

Source: inbluegardens.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

But maybe, it's time to let some things go. If there's anything motherhood does, it makes you brave. It terrifies you - all the possibilities, all the risks, but that's part of the bravery. You say - I accept your cosmic challenge, I accept the possibilities, the risks, I commit to this. It's the bravery of love. But unlike a marriage vow, where we give in belief that we will be given to, a parenting vow is very pure, we give, we willingly commit to give knowing that we will do so forever regardless of the compensation.

Yes, parenthood reaps rewards, but the bravery of parenthood is that you commit to it long before you have any idea what even the possible reward could be. You commit to it, not seeking the rewards. The only reward you seek in this love is to be allowed to love. And it is in this love that more bravery is found.

I find this child to be brave. It sought out a place in my life when I was guarded against it. And so, I accept the challenge to be brave as well, to match that bravery with my own.

This child's bravery will be a great match for Natalie's tenacity. Natalie's first act of tenacity occurred when just the idea of her came into my life and refused to leave, she clung to me in that way, steady and sure and in that way made me steady and sure.

__________________________

Bravery and tenacity.

Not bad things to use my body to harvest. Not bad at all.

The most stunning light is the one that pierces the dark.

Source: infiniteoneness.tumblr.com via Erin on Pinterest

_________________

I will be writing plenty about this in my Modern Parent column in the upcoming weeks, going more in depth about things I touched on here, and so much more. Keep an eye out!

p.s. the due date is August 9th

i must not really be an american

2012-01-03T19:53:00.000-05:00

Time is what we want most, but what we use worst. ~William Penn
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I have this thing, and it's been getting on my nerves. It makes me want to punch people in the face. It really aggravates me. I have no patience for the petty.

Source: fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net via Rebecca on Pinterest

It's one of those situations where you realize you are hitting your head against a wall, where you are not speaking the same language as the person you are trying to communicate with, where you aren't operating on the same value system as others and it's causing a clash.

Source: some.ly via Rebecca on Pinterest

And I feel outnumbered. And frustrated. And then I start wondering - what's wrong with me? (I also wonder what's wrong with them, but, like I said, I'm outnumbered, so it's easy to assume there must be something wrong with me). And while I'm wondering what's wrong with me, I get very upset because my rationale makes complete and perfect sense to me and is completely in line with my value system and priorities, but those values and priorities are not in line with the ones of those around me. So I'm discouraged. And I feel like I'm set up to fail in this system around me. I feel suffocated and trapped and I want out. It turns into this whole existential crisis. All because of 15 minutes.

Source: tumblr.tastefullyoffensive.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

That's right. This is about 15 minutes. I am having existential crises about 15 minutes. To be specific, about the way 15 minutes are spent, and the importance of the things those minutes are spent on. And yes, I know there are particular times in which 15 minutes makes a world of difference. And those times would be when other people's needs (true, real needs) depend upon the the 15 minutes. And during those times, I weigh the people needs I'm already dealing with versus those people needs and default to the most needy.

Source: etsy.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

In my world, if someone is 15 minutes late, I probably don't even notice. But if I do notice, I generally give the benefit of a doubt that there is a reason the person is late, maybe they got up late because they are tired because they have a lot going on, maybe traffic was bad, maybe they spilt their coffee, maybe they had to use the bathroom, maybe they played with their child for a few more minutes, maybe they straightened their house so when their husband came home he wouldn't have a panic attack, maybe they prayed, maybe they journaled, maybe they talked to their mom, maybe they took their dog out to pee, maybe they cleaned up where their dog peed in the house, maybe they cried, maybe they had to deal with a bill collector, maybe they had to manage their finances, maybe they checked in a loved one who is having a hard time, maybe they couldn't do any of those things earlier because they were doing all of those other things earlier. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just how my life is.

Source: thebloggess.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Apparently other people's lives are not like that. Apparently some of those things are less important to others than being on time. I don't understand why, but they are. I mean, I don't even spend extra time on hair and makeup. Most of the time, those things get pushed aside. What I am doing is real life things. So if I'm 15 fucking minutes late, don't think it's because I just sat on my ass and stared at the clock so I would be late just for the hell of it. Don't think that I didn't try to get up earlier, or whatever. I'm so happy that your life falls into place so nicely. Good for you. Now calm the fuck down. Because 15 minutes of waiting is nothing. If you can't wait 15 minutes for me, then don't. I promise you, I won't care. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. I understand that there's this mentality that being late is disrespectful, so I will acknowledge your perspective, but here's mine - getting on my ass for being 15 minutes late is disrespectful to me. So, there, we're at an impasse.

Source: Uploaded by user via Rebecca on Pinterest

This petty little battle had me googling to find anyone else out there with my perspective on time. I found this article, which noted that:

"In many areas (including most of Southern Europe, Latin America, Africa, and the Middle East), time is a servant, not a master. The idea that a person should be ruled by the clock is amusing. In these countries, it's fine if a person is on time. But it's also fine if a person is late. After all, life is complex, and many things happen. If you spot a friend on the way to an appointment in Paris, surely it is more important to chat with your friend than to rush to some arbitrary deadline!

In contrast, time is money in the United States and most of Northern Europe. Minutes are a precious resource. There are never enough of them. When someone is late, they have wasted your time, which is a serious insult.

It is impossible to say which way of looking at time is correct. Both are appropriate--in their own environments. We generally prefer the prevailing attitude of our native culture."

So, I mean, I must not be an American, right? I have no idea what other conclusion I can come up with. And I'm really tired of trying to fit a standard I don't agree with.

Source: imgfave.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

______________________
here's to a new year, and living a life more in line with my values and standards, stepping away from the petty. and if the direction i'm going doesn't take me far enough, may i find the courage to keep moving. because my time is limited. i don't want to waste it.

here's to the night

2011-12-31T08:09:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve. I love this time of year (even though it's totally exhausting). I love the idea of a fresh start and of reflection. I feel like New Year's and my birthday are two times in the year that I really reflect on the year gone by and look forward at what I hope for in the year to come. If I had the energy, I would highlight my year. But I don't. Maybe I will tomorrow. Maybe I won't.

It's also time for parties and for some people, getting all dressed up and going out. Which I swear one day I will get to do. Anyways. Back on track.

My column this week at Modern Parent is "Seize It" and it falls right in line with making the most of the year to come. I have yet to commit to any of my own ideas though! Oh well, I still have a few hours, right?

This year, my NYE will be low key and hangover-less, but still most assuredly full of laughter, because that's how we do, no matter how inebriated we are or aren't. But, in the spirit of reflection, here are a few pics from last NYE. Which was not hangover-less but was full of laughter as well.

Stephanie and Paul from Peepsake Studios set up the photo booth last year at our house. Super fun.

Here's to the night! May it be fantastic (and safe) for us all! Sober or not :)

this is not a post

2011-12-29T19:19:00.000-05:00

warning, this is not a post
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I was thinking today that it was time to update this blog, but I'm afraid I've been living too much in my head lately to have much to say. All my thoughts are too private, too unfinished, just not blog-worthy. So, in an effort to not let this blog stagnate, I'm posting some recent Pinterest Pins. Hey, it's all I've got right now.

From my Things I Want board:

Source: jaclo.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: weheartit.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

(like I need another dog. so cute though)

From my Good Words board:

Source: Uploaded by user via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: thebloggess.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

From my Places I'd Like To Be board:

Source: 7beaches.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

From my Humor board:

Source: facebook.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

From my This Has Nothing To Do With Anything board:

Source: claytonhill.files.wordpress.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: imgur.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

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i repeat, this is not a post

meet my sense of humor. or don't.

2011-12-26T23:17:00.000-05:00

If you have sensitive ears, you may as well click out right now.

I am so very serious.

Still here?

Then,

enjoy.

These totally crack me up. And I do mean totally.

"Nothing says I have an IQ lower than 45 quite like wearing six inch heels to the airport...that bitch is the first one getting tossed right off that life raft...how are your giant heels doing now, how about all those bracelets?"

"Don't let that Victoria Secret shit fool you into thinking that this is going to make your ass look hot. It doesn't, it never does...and all of your forks are going to be dirty today...you see your underwear has given you a false sense of sassy-ness...thongs are the leading cause of pregnancy in the United States"

"Put on your hot girl disguise...when you turn around you want to make him feel like he's in a Juvenile video...just remember, you're a girl, you're not funny, smart, interesting, or any of those things, so get all of your fake laughs ready and be super impressed with whatever he says..."

"A Bud light thirty...if Ducky from Land Before Time doesn't want to fucking play throw his hot dog down my hallway, then that's his own fucking problem."

Other hilarious ones (and my favorite lines):

Sluts on Halloween "You know what you need to do, you need to worry about your goddamn self. Cause she probably looks fucking cute. And even if she doesn't, it's none of your fucking business. Step one, ask yourself, does she have your boyfriend's dick in her mouth or something? If yes, continue to be mad. If no, calm the fuck down. Because what you're doing is taking away from the spirit of the best holiday ever."

What Caffeine Does "Because my whole life is in slow motion till noon...And it doesn't really sink in until later that it was a bad idea to drink all those things."

What Girls Do In The Car "What the fuck, how long have I been singing that? I don't even like that song...Maybe I should start jogging. Haha, I'm not going to start jogging...Oh I'm here, and I'm late. That's about right."

Cooking With Sarah Palin "This particular brand of flour is good because it is white like Jesus...but we're not going to crack the eggs because that's abortion...I got black chocolate chips because the last thing that we want to be called is a racist... And if you don't like this video, I don't fucking care."

How To Avoid Talking To People You Don't Want To Talk To "As long as you don't care that that person will forever think that you are the strangest human being that they have ever met in their life, it works out great."

When The Face Doesn't Work "The only thing that's going to get rid of a guy that you don't want to talk to is if you scare the fucking crap out of him...I personally like the velociraptor because you can gently bite or claw them which usually scares them away."

What Girls Think About During Sex "Oh my god, is that what my thighs look like...Maybe I"ll have spaghetti for dinner tonight, no, then I'd have to go to the grocery store...don't you dare get that shit in my hair, I just washed it, and it's in my hair."

the morning after

2011-12-26T07:41:00.000-05:00

this is what I love-

Source: flickr.com via Penny on Pinterest

Waking up thankful. Seeing the pink sunrise sky and frosted rooftops with smoke rising from the chimneys. The quiet freedom of being the only one up but the dog. (And praying for a few good hours of solitude). Sitting in the warm glow of Christmas lights, no longer anticipating all the holiday madness, but instead, surrounded by it - gift bags overflowing on the couch. Toys on the floor. New socks keeping my feet warm while I type. A hot drink in my new coffee mug with the new cloth coozie. Just resting and reveling in the family and friends and favor and love and grace that got me here. To this day, to this last week of the year, with all that the year held. Promise falling on me knowing that this is how it can feel daily. Each day a new promise, each evening, a release of the day. Sunrise, sunset.

Source: ericcahan.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

Source: elementsofstyleblog.com via Megan on Pinterest

thankful.

go all chevy chase on it

2011-12-22T00:11:00.000-05:00

If I've read one post about "downsizing Christmas", then I've read them all. I get it. People are rallying against the consumerism of it all (like Charlie Brown has been trying to do since 1965).

via

People are trying to live within their means and their means have gotten smaller. No, I really get that. Been there, doing that. People are trying to stop focusing on spending and turn their eyes back to family. That's great. But that can still be costly. Do you know how much a home cooked holiday meal for an extended family is? Like over $100.00 easy. But here's what I think: it's not really about money. It's about us mismanaging our generosity and excitement, or more, the energy that allows for our generosity and excitement. I mean, Christmas stuff comes out in October. It's starts to feel mundane by the time mid December rolls around.

And by the time we hit Christmas, we've got nothing left. And that's not cool. And then everybody's all like "Let's keep Christmas simple" and it's bumming me out.

See my mom and I were talking about it, and it feels like in the spirit of steering away from "consumerism", we have also begun to lose some our generosity and our enthusiasm for what is supposed to be a majestic celebration. We've lost some of the excitement of giving, we've lost the joy of gathering together, we aren't celebrating anything. My mom and I were talking about how much we miss having "extra" people on our list (friends, co workers, etc) and how we miss feeling like we can give generously, whether it is with a monetarily generous gift (in terms of our personal financial situations), or something that took a significant amount of time/effort. "Keeping it simple" can just suck the spirit out of it for us.

Maybe because I was never buying people crappy gifts just to buy them a gift in the first place. I love being able to buy/make gifts for people. And Christmas is one of those times where you get to do that, so I've always really enjoyed searching for and/or creating gifts (and creating gifts still costs money, sometimes more!) that I really think people will like. And I've always had a limited budget, so it was never about buying super expensive gifts, but more about finding a really good gift for that person. That was maybe more expensive than a birthday gift, but not more expensive than a car payment. You know? And I've kind of lost that in the whole crappy attitude everybody has now that they're wanting to "keep it simple". Somehow that feels like saying "it's not a big deal". And I'm just sick of it.

I mean, it's supposed to be a big deal. It's a celebration. It's a significant event. It should be special. It shouldn't be simple. It should be freaking awesome. It should be epic.

Perhaps it's because I come from a family of planned indulgences that I see it this way. I have seen no major financial ruin come to my family because of Christmas. It has never been that "dangerous" around here. What I know from my experience is that there were certain times each year (like birthdays, Christmas, vacation, and other special days/events) where my parents allowed themselves to give generously to my sister and I, and even to themselves. My parents always expressed joy in what they gave, what we (or they) received. They always seemed proud of their generosity, maybe because it took some sacrifice/planning. And in turn, those moments were extra special, not because of the the monetary or material value of what I received, but because I knew that my parents set aside extra money, time, and energy in celebration of this certain event. It was important enough to celebrate. We invested our time and energy and money into these moments. And it's all the regular days that allowed the background for the momentous days.

I know that it doesn't take a lot of money to celebrate something. But I don't think that's the point here. It's about the effort. It's about it being a big deal and not "simple". I mean I have a friend who had very little monetarily, but she decorated her whole house with red and green construction paper chains hanging from the ceiling and wrapped all her hanging pictures in Christmas paper to decorate the walls. She made an effort to make it awesome. She took time and energy. She poured out what she had to celebrate. That's what it's about. She wasn't going to let the holiday season go by "simply", regardless of what she had, she was going to make it magnificent. And that's what I'm talking about!

But I think most of us indulge (ourselves and our children) so often that to make any celebratory day feel celebratory, we feel we have to take it up a notch (or three) just to acknowledge the "specialness" of the day and then it's just over the top and we are drained from it and it's not special, it's tiresome. I think we also overlook the less costly ways to make things special. Sometimes it doesn't take much monetarily. Sometimes it's more about effort/planning. We should have special days. But they can only be special if they consist of things that don't happen every day. And if we take the effort, energy, planning, sacrifice, and yes- even money, to make them that way.

I think we could worry less about what we do at Christmas if we were more concerned with the day to day.

I have been saying for the past few years that we have to stop "treating" my daughter, Natalie, all the time because it's losing it's value. A treat isn't something you get all the time! It takes away from the really special moments. I want her to know what it feels like to have significant moments. And in the mean time, I want her to know what it is to appreciate what you have.

(Now if I can just find a way to put my foot down about the Natalie thing....sometimes the whole "village to raise a child" thing can get overwhelming...)

Anyways, here's a post saying: Christmas should be epic. Go big or go home. Don't downsize. Make it miraculous. Make it fantastic. Pour yourself out and into it. Give. Share. Indulge. Enjoy. Don't keep it simple. Go all Chevy Chase on it.

via

And "keep it simple" at other times during the year.

random goodness

2011-12-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

sometimes the world is weird. sometimes we don't know what to do with it. and on those days, we move slowly, unsure if it's even real. and unsure what to do if it is...

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I've been a little MIA this week and I'm sorry! This week's been weird, and I'm not gonna write about it right now, but I am going to share some random goodness. Because we all need random goodness.

1. A Match Made In Heaven's Auction for Katelyn: The blog's writer (and my best friend since kindergarten), Carol, is hosting an online auction to raise money towards an adoption grant through Reese's Rainbow for Katelyn, who is a young girl in Eastern Europe with developmental disabilities living in an institution where, without a forever home and family, she will likely die before she ever gets close to adulthood. This summer, Carol, brought home her own little boy, Quinton from Eastern Europe and is diligently working to help other children currently without forever homes. Check out the items and bid on something, but do it soon, bidding ends Dec 19th at 10pm EST!

2. This is blowing up my fb feed, and for once, I'm glad: Anonymous donors pay off Kmart layaway accounts. If you haven't read the story yet, read it! I've been using layaway for the past few years and sometimes, if it's been a rough week, or unexpected expenses have come up, it can be hard to even pay that minimum amount to keep your account open. I can only imagine the way it felt for both parties - the giver and the receiver. This is very truly what we are supposed to be doing for one another as fellow human beings!

3. Nobel Peace Prize Accepted by 3 Wom en: These women have worked to make huge strides in their countries. As any woman raised in America the 90's would say "You GO girl!"

4. This is not so random, and not necessarily general goodness, but more, personal goodness: I sent the link to my most recent Modern Parent column, Bringing Work Home, to the CEO of my agency, because she likes things like that (or at least she always says she does and encourages us to send her things like that) and she said "Wow" (it was hopefully a good 'Wow') and she wants to share it in one of our Region memos. So, that's kind of cool :)

5. This:

Source: etsy.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

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it's funny how, sometimes, the best thing to do is just stop. just stop and breathe. just stop and be. just stop and think.

and other times, the best thing to do is to keep going. just go, go somewhere, somehow. just keep moving. no matter how strangely.

in the story of your life, count nothing out

2011-12-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

i think the mistake most of us make most of the time is forgetting that the end of a chapter is not the end of the story itself. the story of a life has so many chapters with interwoven characters and themes, the closing of a chapter is simply moving more deeply into the story of your life. it's rarely the end of anything at all.

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Daydreaming...

Source: garden-artistry.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: awesomespaces.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: anthropologie.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: imgfave.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

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Listening...

Source: Uploaded by user via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: imgfave.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Source: designeriphone.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

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i think the mistake most of us make most of the time is forgetting that we are the lead character in the novel of our lives and that this means that we are in charge of how we live our life, though nothing else. not the other characters. not the plot twists. not the climaxes or the resolutions. not even the way it is read. just our character. that is our contribution to the story, and though so much else is out of our control, our character is what defines our story.

i am trying to remember that regardless of any logic or standard cause and effect or plan, i truly have absolutely no idea what is before me, so count nothing out, set nothing in a "never gonna happen" corner. so much has already happened that i never ever imagined, things that never "made sense" until the moment came when they were the only thing that made sense.

those moments came unpredicted, and remain indescribable in so many ways. this things have textured my life, shaded it and shaped it. i wouldn't have chosen these things, but honestly these things are the plot twists that make this worth sticking around for. the pages before me have a story to tell, i want to see where this goes. i can never put a good novel down.

this is why life, mine and everyone else's fascinates me. we are a world of stories. we are half-finished novels. we are all characters and no one is all good or all bad. no day is all good or all bad. no decision is all good or all bad. there are so many variations on a theme. just enough for it all to feel familiar. it's all been done before, except, not quite like this. so many interpretations. so many options. even the same story can be read a dozen different ways. the same life can be lived a dozen different ways.

so stay open to it all. it is one line, one page, one chapter at a time that we live, but there is a whole entire novel of our life that we are in the midst of. count nothing out.

i don't have ODD (yes i do)

2011-12-09T11:00:00.000-05:00

ghosts are in the air tonight. they are keeping morbid company with me. while i devise a scheme to seem brand new. when all i am is old. the old i've always been.

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One of my favorite times of year is coming soon. It is that week right before New Year and right after Christmas. I feel relieved and hopeful during that week, usually. Or at least, determined, if I can't muster hopeful for whatever reason.

The past year has been a little blurry. Or a lot blurry and full of clenched jaws and headaches and general discombobulation* and stuff. The year before it was too, actually. I am plotting ways to keep the next year from meeting the same demise. (Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of great parts of the year, but mentally and emotionally, it's been sub par and that's just not going to cut it for the rest of the unforeseeable future)

I'm going to make a list. A list of things I want to do/accomplish/experience within the next year. I'm going to make a lot of lists. And it's going to make a difference. Because I say so. I'm going to flip the switch in my brain. I'm not going to remind myself why something didn't work before, not going to dwell on past failed attempts or try to figure it out - that psychoanalyzing only defeats me and frustrates me and has me running around in mind circles until I'm too exhausted with my own self to do anything at all. I am just going to go at it and make it work, by trial and error if nothing else. Take-no-prisoners-never-say-die kind of thing.

This is taking the place of resolutions.

I am far too ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)** to actually follow a set of resolutions. I hate doing things I'm "supposed" to do. So much so that I will not even listen to myself tell me to do the things I actually do want myself to do. So dumb, right?

So I have to trick myself into it. Thus, the list. It's what I want to do. Not what I'm supposed to do or need to do. See, see what I did there? Yep. That's the whole reason I became a mental health professional- so I could give myself false diagnosis and use mind tricks on myself.

This list idea is actually part of an upcoming Modern Parent article that will run near New Years.

Until then, here is this week's Modern Parent article. You Don't Get Points For "Pretty" (Do You?) It's one of my favorites so far. At the end there is a version of this poem. I shortened it and cleaned up for the audience over there. But the full version is one I'm actually pretty happy with, so if you're up to it, click and read!

If you just can't bear to leave this page, then you can look at the Vispo (visual poetry) versions:

Censored:

Uncensored:

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who you are finally becomes enough when you stop being who you aren't.

*I want you to know I spelled discombobulation without spell check or a dictionary.

**I do not have an actual diagnosis of ODD, but it is a true diagnosis. I also like to call it the "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!" diagnosis. So I kind of do have it. Just not officially.

and that is called community

2011-12-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

there is not a single one of us untouched by another. not a single one of us not touching another. we are woven together in a way so that when one of stops moving, it changes the pattern of us all.

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As I type this post, there are exactly 300 page views for my previous post. For a blog that was getting like 5 hits a day, that is insane! Of course, I know the reason why. It's because some very specific people cared very much about the topic of that post and so they shared it with all the people that they knew cared about the topic of this post. And that means more to me than any number ever could. That speaks to me not only of the caliber of the person I was writing about, but also of the caliber of the people who love her. The people who to this day, miss her, appreciate her, remember her.

And in the bigger picture, I think this speaks volumes to what relationships mean. How much we are worth to one another. We are making marks on one another's lives all the time. We may never know how much, we just need to know that we are.

There is now a community page on facebook called The Leslie Taylor Memorial where friends and loved ones are welcome to join and add pictures, memories, and thoughts.

I am thinking of sending her parents a copy of the blog post and comments, so they can see how much we still care and that her life continues to matter.

I had no way to know that one post would reunite so many people, if only for a day or week. At least, for that day, that week, we have been reminded that we are all connected. And remembering that we are connected is important. I have always believed that.

Thanks to all those who've showed their love and support to our dear friend. I feel honored to be part of it.

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Now can I just say that this song always makes me think of her? I think it was the last song we listened to together. True story.

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we should never take our lives, or our deaths, too seriously. our dramas and tragedies only outweigh our love stories and comedies if we let them.

this matters: leslie's birthday

2011-12-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

don't ever ever forget, sometimes it's just enough to be alive.

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Today is the birthday of a friend of mine. I honestly wouldn't have remembered this date if others on facebook hadn't. I guess it wasn't etched in my memory. Other things are etched in my memory about her. Just little random moments and conversations. About boys and music and messy rooms.

She is the kind of person called "my best friend" by so many. Not because she was flighty or inauthentic, but because she was the kind of person that you could just fit with, so easily. She had an infectious energy that lit up a room; a positivity and a light, even in the midst of the dramas that come with being a teenage girl. She had many facets to her personality, and a big heart. Big enough for all of us, for anyone in her life. It was easy to have memorable moments with Leslie, to feel connected with her. I lay no claim over our friendship, it was one of many for both of us, by no means the most dynamic for either of us, I'm sure. But it meant something, and I still value it.

And yes, I said "was" and "had". Leslie died in a car crash the summer of our junior year of high school. There are times in my life that I miss her profoundly, that I wonder "what if"...

This is us, sometime in one of the years spanning between middle school and junior year of high school (she's the brunette) :

I'm posting a piece from an old blog, in honor of this day. It's the most cohesive thing I've written about this part of my life, though it's only a little little thing in the big scheme of a person and a relationship (no matter how brief). But for now, this is what I have. Happy 28th Leslie! (Have you found any "older men" in heaven? Girl, I know you have - that place is crawling with them!)

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Originally posted here.

Claudette

Megan is the kind of pregnant you see on magazines, beautiful, joyful, a little ethereal. Just lovely.

Everything about that day was as anyone who’s ever been to a baby shower would expect, until she got down to the last three gifts. She pulled out the soft white blanket with handwritten washing instructions pinned to it and asked “Who made it?” Someone answered “Claudette”. And that was it. We rode the wave of silence and crashed into the truth we’ve all probably thought of less and less over time: Leslie’s dead.

Claudette will never have the opportunity to see her daughter pregnant, to knit a blanket for that grandchild. It’s almost like we all just lost that child, or those children in thinking of Leslie now, at this time in our lives.

Leslie grew up with Megan, from toddler hood all the way to high school. I’m quite sure no one in the whole entire world could ever fill the spot of your childhood friend. So of course all of us who knew wanted to cry. And then they tried to explain who Claudette was and why it mattered that she had knitted this baby blanket to anyone who didn't know, and that just made it so much harder not to cry. In fact, I’ve cried 3 times since then, just trying not to cry.

I wonder if it helped or hurt more for Claudette to choose a yarn and sit down and row by row knit that blanket. Maybe it did both.

All I can think of now is how sometimes it’s just enough to be alive. With whatever weight is on my shoulders, at least I am alive. I can almost hear Leslie saying that every time I complain or worry now. In a perky, playful tone “Well at least you’re alive!”. Because Leslie wouldn’t be bitter about it. I’m sure Leslie’s fine, in fact. But I’m also pretty sure she’s saying “Well at least you’re alive! At least you can watch your daughter play in the sprinkler and kiss her little nose, hear her giggle when you tickle her. At least you feel the sun on your face, hear the music on the radio, taste the coffee, hot and strong in the mornings. At least you can call your friends and drive to work and…” Well, maybe not bitter, but maybe a little wistful.

I think so often we forget that being alive is more than many get to do.

The last time I thought of Leslie this much, it was when I got married. Because I knew she would be there. I would have had her at the guest book with Megan and Kim. Her lack of presence was so blatantly missed in my eyes. I tied a blue ribbon on my bouquet for her.

I would never say Leslie and I were extremely close, by no means as much as others. My memories with her are little jagged pieces, moments more than full out memories. Singing “Hit and Run” in the mall between classes. Sitting side by side on the bus to Orlando. Being the only non-cheerleaders on homecoming court in 8th grade. Walking down the street talking about boys one warm night. What I think I miss the most, now that I think about it is this; she was like me. I think we went about the world in similar ways, went about people and love in similar ways. And it’d be nice to talk to her now. It’d be nice…

Now that the years have washed over the initial grief, the loss of teenage Leslie, it seems that we have now run into a new phase that I wasn’t expecting: grieving the idea of who she would be now, now that we are who we are now.

I do believe that all things happen in their time, that it will all make sense and work out one day. But I think we still have to grieve what we feel we’ve lost, real or metaphorical. I think we have to remember that we didn’t all make it this far, we should be grateful for our lives, whatever they are; at least we still have them.

Also, this:
Originally posted here.
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i could let this day pass without writing or posting or really even thinking about it. i could shrug my shoulders and say "hey, it's life, people die, it was a long time ago".
but i don't want to do that. i believe there are things, there moments, there are times in our lives where we need to stop and say "hey, this matters. this means something".
so i am saying:
hey, this matters. this means something.
i miss you.
your energy lives on.

there's no war here

2011-11-30T13:22:00.000-05:00

i think we know things. we know how we want to live. we know what we feel best about. we know what is natural to us. we know what is healthy for us. but we stray from it in effort to "go with the flow". in effort to "normalize" ourselves. i think sometimes we are worn down by life. by the busyness of it. by the business of it. by the demands of taking care of others beyond yourself whether it is your family, or your work, or friends, or all of the above (usually all of the above). sometimes something comes along and reminds you. and sometimes that reminder is enough to comfort you. and sometimes that comfort is enough to inspire you.

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I like Jenna's approach to her diet and exercise. It inspired me.

Lately, I've been paying attention to what people are saying about food. I've noticed a lot about vegan, organic, self sustaining, and raw foods and diets. The information makes sense. Sometimes it's presented a little extreme. But, you know, it makes sense. Sometimes "easy" and "budget friendly" ways to do this are neither easy nor budget friendly (not for my budget or a lot of other Americans either, I bet).

Not that everything has to be easy, but eating shouldn't be hard. And unfortunately sometimes it really is much cheaper to eat off of the dollar menu at a fast food restaurant than it is to buy the more healthy options. It can be very frustrating when you feel like you have to choose a less healthy, less expensive option because your budget is very tight and you have to stretch it, not just for yourself, but for your family too.

I have read a lot of "family and budget friendly" tips and blogs and non of them would fly around here. And I'm all for helping your family be healthy, but they really won't be healthy if they aren't eating the healthy food you buy, and you will not be healthy when your blood pressure sky rockets due to all the wasted food; as wasted food = wasted money.

And when you work full time and have a family, it's easy to feel bombarded into just eating and feeding "whatever" just to get that taken care of.

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And you know what? It's really fucking hard to work out when you work full time and have a family. I'm sorry, but it is. It's not just about time. Yes, there is time in my day to work out. It's about energy. It's about motivation. It's about finding something that works. It's about you put time into your job and your family and your friends and it's hard to put time into working out when you would rather write, or watch Law and Order:SVU, or sleep.

A gym is not an option for me. I would love to take a kick-boxing class. Or Pilates. Or Hot Yoga (not a huge fan of yoga, but Hot Yoga sounds amazing). I would love to hop on the elliptical for a half hour in the morning. But I do not have time/money for a gym. Not at this point in my life. Believe me, I have considered it a million times over! I used to love to go in college.

Prior to college I used to take long walks/hikes at home (had a lot of land) and do basic exercises at home (situps, push ups, stretches, light weights, etc) and prior to that, I used to play softball.

Now, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I love being active, but at the end of the day, I'm tired. At the beginning of the day, I sleep through 4 alarms (daily) and usually only wake up when my dog whines to go out or my daughter wakes me up.

I miss the way it feels to use my body.
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So much of what I see around me regarding diet and exercise are unattainable/undesirable for me. And it can't just be me. There have to be other people for who these things just don't work for. I have always been really big on not getting into a trend, but instead going with what works for you and letting it be your lifestyle.

This is why it's hard for me right now. Because I don't see anything out there that can be my lifestyle. I don't know why I want to find it "out there" and why I can't just create it in here, in the life that I am living right now, right?

Right.
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So, why is this blog-worthy? Because it's about listening to myself and taking cues from myself. It's about being authentic to the person that I am. It is about shedding the layers that get laid upon me by day to day living and accessing what I have within, underneath it all, in an effort to be more.

I believe in being more of who you are and less of who you've become when you find that you've become less of who you are.

And that's blog-worthy.

So whatever I do, I will be doing by listening to myself. Not by forcing anything upon myself (or my family. What will I do? We shall have to wait and see. (This post is already long enough.)

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there's a deceptively easy path. it is the path before you that has been cleared by others. it is a path before you that is easy enough. it is sparkly and enticing. it is a quick rush. it is easy enough because it will demand only a little at a time, time and time again. only a little. and just a little more. this is how wars are lost. with subtlety and shimmer while you fade into the masses.

there's a path before you that is hard. it is so hard you will have to check everything you ever had at the door. you will probably never make it. but you are promised that if you do, you will be the best. you are promised that the challenge is worth it. you are told it's supposed to hurt. it's supposed to drag you away. this is how wars are lost. with lies of valor in exchange for lost limbs and time you'll never see again.

there's a path before you that is sunny, but overgrown. it is not difficult to clear, and once you have cleared it, it is a good hike. there are dips and hills. a few valleys, some peaks. this path will ask of you some things, but will give you more. this path is able to converge with other paths. this path shapes you as much as it is shaped by you. this is how wars are won. with moderate effort and compromise.

and of course, by never engaging in them in the first place.

there's no war here.

what about when the wind falls?

2011-11-26T21:46:00.000-05:00

it doesn't feel real yet. this change. this windfall. this kind of monumental thing. i mean, maybe it's because it could just as quickly disappear that i hesitate to embrace it. that i am skeptical of any relief, of any release, of any belief that this is a turning point, this is a moment in time that i will look upon and say "yes, it was this moment that turned things around". even after all the time spent worrying and wondering and holding on and feeling like i'm in an endless tunnel, now that the light is upon me, i am unsure, i am almost unwilling. i am tentative. i am moving forward in it in a sloshing sort of way. i am still scared. in a different way now. scared that now that hope is before me, i should not grab it. it has been pulled from me so many times. thoughts and plans and hopes and ideas and goals and dreams have had the script flipped on them so many times that i have hesitated in investing in them. but that's not the way to be. i know it's not. it's just harder than you would think to come back from something like this. it changes you. you can't just go back. you have to go forward, differently.

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So, a good thing has happened upon me. Upon my family, even. In June of this summer, I got rid of my SUV for a smaller car that wasn't as nice, but more affordable. Just one payment in, I am rear-ended and the car is totaled. This is sad and inconvenient and kind of scary because we just used the money we had for a down payment and then had to turn around and make another one (the other driver's insurance was able to help with this by fronting my deductible to me). The car dealer let me purchase the (much nicer) car with 1/2 a down payment and waited for the insurance settlement to receive the rest.

This is all very boring, I know. But it has a point.

Last week, the settlement finally came to be. We were hoping it would be enough to pay the other half of the down payment and maybe a few bills or Christmas gifts.

It was far more than that. It was more than provision.

We have lived so long on provision that I do not know what to think or feel about something being more than the bare basics.

And I wonder (and fear) that this is still provision - that something big and bad will happen again and need the cushion we now have again after 4 years of living hand to mouth.

I can't complain really, we have always had provision. We have always had more really, my daughter and I had two vacations this summer, for example. By the grace of family and favor.

My last pair of jeans lasted right up until the day I was able to buy more.

We've never been without food or utilities or a roof over our heads, or even, without a car between borrowing and rentals provided.

You know, big things, little things, all the things. It has been scary, stressful, fearful, anger-inducing, but it has ultimately not made my life worse. Harder yes, but I can't say with any honesty that my life over the past few years has been bad, even with circumstances have been bad.

So much is still up in the air - our mortgage (with BoA) that we have had to hire a lawyer to help us deal with since after almost 4 years now of unemployment and underemployment they have yet to modify our goddamn loan regardless of how many times I've sent in paperwork and updated info.

There are still unsettled matters. But there are settled matters too. And that's what matters.

Except for my fear right now. My fear that this is only a moment of relief and something horrible is bound to happen now. Some crisis. My state of survival is unsure of what to do with where I am right now. And though there are unknowns, there will always be unknowns. That's just the way it all goes, always.

I should feel better about this. At least I think I should. I want to. I want this to be a new chapter. A leaving behind. A grasping of the moment and new opportunity before me. I want this. I'm scared of this. And I just keep thinking - what if it all crumbles just as quickly as it came?

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what if it crumbles just as quickly as it came? i am struggling with owning this and i need to own this. this is mine, right now, for this moment. of course anything could happen. anything can always happen. i can't live fearing the good as well as the bad. i have to take what i have and do my best with it. that's what i've been doing all along, right? it's funny the lessons we just keep having to learn. trust, trust, trust. it's time to take it all and run with it. be more, do more. you have been prepped for big things. don't be afraid.

the blessing list

2011-11-24T07:39:00.000-05:00

right in front of us, at any given moment, there are one hundred blessings, maybe one thousand, if we knew how to count right. we take for granted virtually everything, just in the manner of the day to day, and that's not the very worst thing, it may be necessary even, in a way. but sometimes, you have to remember, you have to bask in it, you have to acknowledge all there is before you. there is so much. you have so much to work with. know that.

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My Modern Parent article this week is actually different than the one I was looking forward to (mentioned last post), but it is perfect for this week, and particularly, this day. It's The Blessing List and it's all about taking stock of the blessings we have before us. No stipulations. Just free write it out, everything counts. I bet you can easily come up with 100.

Miranda at Little Man and Me did! (My friend Alicia did too, but she doesn't have a blog to link to!)

Try it!

Here's a teaser of just a few things I listed this time around:

To view other blessing lists of mine, go here, here, and here.

Also, head over to Modern Parent soon, there are a ton of great touching and hilarious columns over there right now!

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and i forget, but i shouldn't - you are still here. i am still thankful, i can feel you under and above my skin, though i miss you. it's a blessing to have known, to have ever known what i've known. blessings are not fragile things. or flighty. blessings abound around us all the time, we have but to look with the right eyes.

and this is how it goes now

2011-11-21T15:11:00.000-05:00

there's this disconnect that i feel. this restless energy. these nerve endings, un-ended, raw and fraying at the ends, shooting sparks out of themselves, not quite reaching their mark, not quite tying on to anything. these missed synapses. i am rolling, floating, bouncing. i am quiet and waiting. i am fearful, then believing. quick, quickly. the big things are big. the rest is not. there is no in between, don't believe the lies. this is precisely how it should be. you want to claw your way out of your own skin, but what you need is to inhabit this skin. learn to wear it. there's the magic. right there.

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I'm really looking forward to the article of mine that is posting to Modern Parent this week. It's one that I worked hard on and am looking forward to sharing and getting feedback. I'll make sure to post a link here when it's up (hopefully by tomorrow).

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I went to church yesterday, for the first time in several weeks. I still struggle with the positives and negatives of church for myself and my daughter. Sometimes imagining going regularly makes me feel as if I'm suffocating. Just thinking about it. Sometimes (most times) when I am sitting in the sanctuary, I have this crazy urge to dance, to run up and down the aisles, jumping. It's just stifling in there, well intentioned, but too stiff. It was never stiff before. It was more fluid, you could feel the movement.

When I'm socializing there, it's not like that, so I know it's not the people. It is something else. It makes me want to act ridiculous just to loosen everyone up. I mean, come on, it's just church! Live a little, let the spirit move!

Quiet, reverence, those things are good and necessary, but I can't take it there sometimes, because it's not quiet or reverence. It feels more like trepidation. And I'd rather people make a few mistakes and shrug it off than tread so lightly around faith. There is no treading lightly! Just do it! Move!

I did enjoy the verse that was brought up.

"What then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

There's power in that. So much power. We should own it. Own it.

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I continue to struggle with the day to day, as in, "What am I really supposed to be doing with my life?". I feel more and more that the 40 hours I put in is wrong. It's in the wrong place. Sometimes it feels so wrong it's all I can do to do it again the next day. I feel like I have to write a bit cryptically about all this, as you never know who will stumble across your blog out there in the great big internet.

It's just not right. It's in the wrong place, with the wrong people, doing the wrong thing. And I can't be clear as to what I should do about that, if I am to do anything at all. I have fantasies and temptations about briskly walking down a one way street away from it all. But I'm not clear enough to make the leap. I will be clear, won't I?

My skills and talents are not being utilized. I am being wasted on this. And the wrong things keep taking priority here. How do you know when to go? Particularly when you have no place to go at all and very much need a place...

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The holidays are upon us and I am vacillating between excitement and stressed-the-fuck-out. There are so many fun, enjoyable, exciting, meaningful things crammed into approximately 45 days that it is a little overwhelming. Especially with a 5 year old and a limited budget and work and family and regular household things and extra holiday household things and friends and events and parties and...it's not bad, it's good. It's just crazy.

I want to feel the magic. I don't want it to get lost.

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the magic is the thing. it is the lingering thing. it is the living part of it all. the moving part. the part that makes it all make sense and makes it all worthwhile. the magic is sparkly, but not too bright. it loud but not too loud, it moves, but does not push. it lifts, but does not carry away. the best magic is the magic that happens right where you are. that you carry with you. that you see in sunsets and raindrops and random stacks of paper. you know.

what kind of writer am i?

2011-11-13T23:20:00.000-05:00

i said (to myself) that i would definitely write here on sunday nights because that is a night that everyone but me goes to bed early. but i ended up taking forever to wind down from the weekend and then back up again to write and ended up pretty much writing my modern parent piece that's due this wednesday, which is good. but definitely took some of my writing energy.
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the weekly column thing is actually more time/energy consuming than i thought it would be, but i am most definitely glad that i am doing it.

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i got to spend a lot of time with friends this weekend and sometimes i forget how very wonderful my friends are.

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i am fending off some financial anxiety right now, but really trying to remember: there's a division of labor. there's a division of labor. there's a division of labor. i am not in charge of keeping it steady.

believe it!

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i suppose this counts as writing here tonight, though it is clearly a whole lot of nothing and looking a lot like my very first blog, which eventually became a big jumbled mess of words and thoughts with little to no order which is neither bad nor good really, it's just i would like to know what i am writing, what kind of writer i am.

what kind of writer am i?

happy birthday to me

2011-11-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

happy birthday to me.

that is the title of the post that is bringing me (that is bringing you) here, to this post (probably).

i told myself that for my birthday, i will be writing more. like writing, writing. not just writing.
if you don't know the difference, i can't tell you.

that is the problem you know, i can't tell people what writing is to me.
it is not a hobby, or a past time, or a skill, or a talent.
writing is
a lifeblood.
it is how i breathe.

if you cannot understand that,
accept that,
i don't know what to do to get you to.

for me, writing is not a want, it is a need.

i am a writer.

i am a writer in the same way that someone is a musician or an artist or a dancer. it gives me a high that nothing else can create and only few things can even come close to (and i ache for those things all the time). if you know what it is to have a high, you know how excruciatingly pointless everything can seem without it. how dull and heavy it can all be without. you would also know how flippin' fantastic the whole entire world is when you've got it. how connected and possible and beautiful everything is. i'm so dead serious right now.

but because i am also a wife, and mother, and person with a full time job that is not writing, i don't think people believe me when i say this. it's as if there's no way i could really be a writer, this kind of writer, and also be these other things. or maybe it's that i question that myself.

there are times life suffocates me like nothing else. sometimes even the thought of the daily routine infuriates me (because it is wasting me), makes me feel like running far far away, makes me grasp at straws anywhere, everywhere just to get a little air. and everything pushes upon me to get in line and all i want to do is crash everything and storm into somewhere dark and loud, full of people and noise that has nothing to do with me, so i can fade into myself, into my craft. so i can be high. so i can even consider doing this, any of this, at all, even one more day.

there are two -really three- sets of people in my life (i am also these people, to myself, in my life). the ones that are front and center, that believe me to be something i am not (quite), and expect me to be that person, daily. they mean well because they know no better, but their insistence that i fit into a person that is only part of who i am keeps me at arms length, because i feel as if i can not let them see the whole of me, the rest, that is not like the first part. because i feel (i suspect, i fear) they do not want it. and i fear losing the people i love to the truth of me. i feel they want me to be what they think i am, who i consistently portray myself to be, because it is part of who i am and it works (except when it doesn't). it seems to me that they need me to fit into the person i have been moonlighting as. because that person makes sense. and that person is not a lie, it is just not a full truth. there is more. it seems that anytime i push back, i'm called selfish, lazy, naive, ignorant, incompetent. flighty, maybe not directly, but it is implied. and it is implied that i "get it together". i hit my head against walls trying to help someone understand. all i get is a headache. obviously. it just hasn't worked. i have tried more subtle versions. blog posts. poems. but if someone doesn't get it, they don't get it. if the world they live in doesn't look like the world i live in, then what can i do?

the second set may not "get it", but may not care, in that, they do not need to "get it" to fold me in just the same, regardless. the problem is, i have a hard time knowing which is which. and a hard time risking it. it is, in it's uncomfortable way, comfortable, in that it is what it always has been and that is easy enough. most of the time. except for when it is excruciatingly, and alienatingly not.

and then there are the people who would get it. but i look like i'm not part of their world. i look like i am part of this other place. and i'm not, not fully. i'm in some in between and i feel trapped. i feel alone in that place. not all over, just there.

i am a writer. i am always aching for that high. nothing is as good as that high. i don't know how to make that any more clear.

but that is my gift to myself this year. to make it clear. i have no idea how, but that's what i'm going to do. make it clear. at least to myself.

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on a side note, today begins my "on call" week. yay (yes, that is sarcasm). here's to hoping it's pretty quiet. no major crises or IVC's (involuntary commitments).

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also, shout out to ashley, my first follower here (and a fellow modern parent writer)! thanks for following from "how honest..." ashley! :)